Question:  Does anyone ever get angry at their spouse?
        How do you usually handle anger in yourself...in your spouse?
        What are positive ways to handle anger?

   -Relax and cool down
   -Avoid the use of 'you'
   -Define the disagreement
   -Restate each others comments
   -List all available options
   -Allow time to think through options

    B. Biblical basis: Crisis/Conflict theology

1. It should not surprise us
   -Most OT laws are there to regulate crisis
          -stealing, killing, accidents, disease...

 2. It should not surprise us when it happens to the righteous
     -Job 1:6-12 (Loses his wealth, health and family)

 3. It is normal, natural event in a fallen world
     -Matt. 10:16-23 (Jesus predicted and prepared His disciples for it
     -2 Cor. 11:23-28 (Paul experienced it)
     -Phil. 1:29 (Paul said it is intrinsic to being a Believer)

 4. It should cause the Believer to respond differently than the world
     -James 1:2-12

    C. Our problem with Crisis and Conflict

Question: Why is it that we have problems dealing with conflict and crisis in our marriages?

   -We don't have a belief system that allows for crisis and conflict
   -We don't have the resources to deal with crisis and conflict
   -(faith, strength, family and friend support)
   -We just don't want to respond positively

    D. What do you do when crisis/Conflict comes?

 -Accept  it. Don't deny it or over magnify or spiritualize it.
 -Deal with it realistically.
 -Develop problem solving techniques.
 -Seek out options
 -Seek help

    E. How to have a good fight.

Question: What are some of the problems experienced by couples trying to 'work it out'?

         Misunderstanding is a natural part of marriage. Stressed-out, dual-career couples today have more to negotiate than ever, and the potential for misunderstanding which leads to conflict is ever present. Knowing how to argue, how to 'work it out' is vital you every marriage.

Question: What does it mean to 'learn how to have a good fight'?
                 Have you ever discussed this with your spouse?

        1. Understand that conflict is OK. Consider conflict as a challenge to be met rather than to be avoided. It is  natural
            aspect of intimate relationships. Look at it as an opportunity for growth. How you handle conflict will have a lot to
            say about the health of your marriage.

         2. Don't hold in things that upset you. Repressed irritations have a high rate of return. In a  healthy marriage, when
            one spouse brings up an issue, the other listens attentively. From time to time, the listener will paraphrase what the
            other says to make  sure the message is understood.    (active listening)

Question: What  issues or topics do more married couples fight over on a regular basis?

         3.  Know your and your spouses 'hot spots' and be especially careful when you approach one.
              -Money is a large button. Most conflicts arise over little and often minor issues. Money outranks all other topics
               and is the number one area of conflict among married couples.

Question: What is it about money that we fight over?
                 What are some of the issues?

    -Couples are constantly faced with financial decisions that cause them to ask,
          "Whose money is it?"
          'Why did you buy that w/o talking to me about it?'
          'You always buy what you want for yourself but I have to beg and plead if it is something I really want.'

   4. Choose your battles carefully.

Question: What does it mean to 'choose your battles carefully?
                 What ought to be considered?

         -A major task in marriage is learning what can and should be changed and what should be overlooked. The vast majority of the issues that couples argue about can be overlooked.

Question: What are some of the minor battles, the little annoyances that are hot buttons of conflict and anger that perhaps ought to let go of?

      -Before you complain about your spouse not closing the cabinet doors or not putting his     socks in the hamper, ask yourself if it's really worth  it.

   5. Define the issue clearly.

Question: What does this mean?
                 What are some examples of not doing this?
                 Why is it a problem?

      -Before you load both barrels, know what you are aiming at.  Know what it is you are arguing about. If you are mad about one thing don't fight about something else. Make it clear in your head as well as to your spouse what you are upset about.  This is half the battle.

  6. State your feelings directly. Understand that no one is responsible for making you feel ...anything. Emotions are a choice.

ILL: Your spouse buys something expensive w/o asking you, you respond by saying  'I can't believe you did that again. You are so inconsiderate. I hate it when you do that. Don't I have a say in how OUR money is spent?'

Question: Is this a healthy response?

     -This is not a healthy response. It is accusatory, degrading and w/o love.

Question: What would be a healthy way, a positive way to say how you feel?

    -'When you buy something expensive w/o first discussing it with me, I feel as though my opinion is worthless and it hurts me.'

Question: What is the difference?

   7. No retaliation.

Question: What does this look like when it is not done?

  -Don't try to hurt your spouse because they hurt you. Don't call them names and avoid derogatory comments.

   8. Don't gunnysack.

Question: Any one know what this term means?

     -Don't unload your bag of 'and remember when you did this..and that..and ....) Stick to the issue at hand.