Within the context of treating your spouse as a brother and sister in Christ what do these texts have to say about how we handle conflict in marriage?

    Read:  Psalm 19:14
    Read: Eph. 4:29
    Read: Proverbs 16:24, 27

 Speaking in a godly way to one another is a subject that is not stressed enough in our Christian lives. How many times have you been deeply hurt by someone's words to you? Words, good & bad, can leave a lasting impression!

 In marriage, many a partner has said the cruelest of words to another in a moment of anger, and found, when the "crisis" was over,...the words remained. How many children spend their lifetime trying to get over "nasty words" spoken to them by their parents. Words hurt, sometimes a word spoken at the most inopportune moment will leave a lifelong scar on your spouse or your children.  Unfortunately, human nature makes us tempted to be "sinful", and fall into the "flesh".  What is "in the flesh"? It is those WORDS and DEEDS that are in direct contrast to the "Spirit": hatred, envying, jealousy, anger, evil, impatience, etc.etc...

Action: If this is a problem for you, do a study on the words 'tongue' and 'word' in Scripture.

SIDEBAR 2: Hurt

    Read: I Peter 3:12

  One of the most difficult things to deal with in a marriage is  hurt! In marriage where too people are living "as one", hurt is bound to come up. Not to mention that we are all still walking in the flesh, it is satan's greatest playground to stir trouble within the marriage and family. That said.....what are we to do when we are hurt?

Question: How do most people handle being hurt?
      How do you handle being hurt?

 The most natural human feeling is to strike back!  But striking back solves nothing. In fact, it most often will inflame and intensify the crisis. It is often true that  our attempts to hurt someone are misdirected : Is..work is bad so you take it out on the wife or family..or the dog.

 It's safe to say for most that life is not fair,..it's difficult! But that is a self focused life. God calls for a God focused life.  When we let go of our lives and let God take charge we experience freedom from hurt. Why...because our dependency on God means we have to let go of our own personal desires. When our personal desires become our priority we selfishly get in the way of what God want to do thru us!
 

Question: Why do we get hurt?  What is at stake that it hurts us to loose it?

 We most often get hurt when our needs are not being met, neglected, avoided or replaced by the needs of others..your spouse or children.We most often get hurt when our desires, our dreams, our wishes and  our plans are not considered, accepted, worked on or denied.  The Bible is filled with instruction on how to handle our hurt because God knew how much we would have to endure. He also gave us the perfect way to handle it. In Him we are free! We are not alone....God knows every tear we shed....every pain we feel, every unfairness we face!

SIDEBAR 3:  Forgiveness

    Read: Matthew 6:14-15

Question: Why do we have such a hard time forgiving our spouses sometimes for things they have either said or done?
                  Is there anything that we just couldn't forgive our spouse of?
                  Why should we forgive our spouse of offenses done against us?

 Learning to forgive is one of the most important lessons in our marriage.
 Forgiveness is the basis of our Christian faith.
 We are a forgiven people
 We are asked by God to forgive others.
 Because we learn that these burdens in our hearts will do nothing but eat away at our very soul.

Question: Does forgiveness = condoning the action or standing in the way of the natural consequences  of those actions?

 No.  We do not forgive and condone, rather, we release our hearts from the anger and pain that comes when bad things happen to us.  We must also allow for the natural consequences for those actions to occur.

Question: What is an example of this?

 Lying, cheating..time to develop trust
 Sexual offense..time to redevelop imtimacy
 Misuse of money...time to get back on budget or prove they are able to handle it again.

  Whatever the situation however, we must never let the hurts that we face cause us to let an unforgiving spirit rule our lives and hearts.

Releasing the anger
 The anger associated with hurt can destroy your life. Many  people are walking around carrying tremendous hurts, anger, feelings of revenge toward someone that they cannot let go of.   If you do not release these feelings in forgiveness the only person who will hurt is....... YOU !

Forgiveness is complete and not conditional
 We must also learn to forgive completely. If we don't, we will become two faced people. On one hand saying we forgive, but on the other, watching and waiting for the other person to slip up again. This is not the forgiveness that Jesus Christ died to give us.

 In Christ your own sins are erased completely, never again to be brought up by God. The slate has been wiped clean....with God it is completely forgotten...it never happened! In marriage when forgiveness is needed we must do so wholely and completely so that the marital trust can begin to heal again.

 In our marriage the knowledge that we are committed to forgiveness as Christ has given to us both, is part of the bond we share. Knowing this in our hearts allows us to be ourselves with each other. Forgiveness consists of not requiring payment from the offending party. The forgiving spouse must be committed to requiring no added on consequences for the offense.
Forgive and Forget?

ILL: I can forgive my wife for what she did but I just can't get it out of my head. I think about it all the time and it gets me so angry. I understand that the warm feelings are not necessary for my forgiveness but I have harsh feelings for my wife. Is it possible to really forget?

Read: Jer. 31:34

 This text is not saying that God forgets like someone with amnesia. God chooses to remember our sins AGAINST US no more. He will not bring them up again. The matter is closed. The debt has been can celled in the shed blood of Christ and it no longer requires payment. Forgiveness involves the willingness to release the offending party from all requirement to pay us back for hurting us. We must view the offense as God views it and respond in kind.

Read: Matt. 18:21-35

Question: How does God deal with our sinfulness? With our deception and falling away from Him?
                How many times has God forgiven you?

Read: Phil. 2:3-4

 Paul tells us to look out for the interests of others regarding them as more important than our own. Even our pain and hurt take second place to ministering to another..especially your spouse.

 Can we forget...no. But we can view it from another perspective, God's. And then take His lead by still loving us and caring for us and ministering to us because of His love for us and His commitment to His promise to never leave or forsake us. We must do the same. Whatever need the offense didn't meet, God will supply all your needs. Trust in Him and don't expect your spouse to be the one who will always meet your needs. that is God's job.