Question: What are roles in marriage?
       How are they established?
       Do you ever have any trouble living up to the roles in your marriage?

  -All couples enter into marriage with expectations. These preconceptions can lead to  confusion in the role a person should have in the marriage.

DEF: A role is a set of well defined and expected behaviors.

  -Couples bring all sorts of expectations to their marriage and relate to one another based  on these expectations. As time moves forward, things change; children arrive, job  change, a move, new church, these all create new expectations.

    A. Symbiotic vs Parasitic Roles
        1. Symbiotic
            -The traditional understanding of biblical roles in marriage is essentially this: the husband and wife function together in a "symbiotic" relationship. The word symbiosis is a  biological term referring to two different organisms living in close association or union, especially where such an arrangement is advantageous to both.

        2. Parasitic
           -The opposite of symbiosis is parasitism, which refers to a relationship in which one organism lives off another organism and derives sustenance and protection from it without making compensation.

Question: Which is God's intended pattern for marriage?

        3. God's intended pattern.
           -God never intended that marriage partners should be leeches on one another; rather, He intended that they should live together in the closest possible harmony, fulfilling  complementary and mutually edifying roles, so that both partners might conjointly grow  and mature into their full potential.

        4. Development: Male Dominance
            -Traditionally the understanding of the  marital roles has long suffered at the hands of misdirected males who have failed to grasp the inherent symbiotic balance God intended  for marriage.

           -Choosing to emphasize only the wife's responsibility to live under the authority  of her husband, many have somehow come to the conclusion that the wife is secondary or even inferior in some essential way and therefore relatively       unimportant. She exists, in this view, only to meet the needs of her husband.

          -Such an false view of the wife's role has too often characterized the church's teaching  on marriage. Such marriages are neither biblical nor healthy, for either partner, and the  church must not condone them .

        5. Development: Female  Equality
            -There is another, more contemporary misunderstanding of the roles of the husband and wife that must also be resisted. The feminists argue that the marital roles of husband and wife as traditionally understood are themselves outdated and less than the biblical  ideal. In other words, there should be no such thing as roles for husband and wife at all.

            -They believe the Bible clearly portrays man and woman as equal, and therefore  any teaching which holds that the husband is the head of the wife in the sense of  being in authority over her must not be Biblical.

Question: According to the feminists, what does a woman's subordination imply about her?

           -The underlying assumption here is that the woman's subordination automatically  and implies her inferiority. Since the female is clearly not inferior to the male—a  premise evident from both Scripture and experience—it follows, the feminists      argue, that there could be no inherent requirement on a wife, simply because she  is a woman, to live in submission to her husband, simply because he is a man.

    B. A right understanding of roles
        1. Two major patterns for family roles.
              -The traditional pattern: The husband works and the wife is at home responsible for all household chores.

             -The modern pattern: Both husband and wife work. In this relationship since both share the breadwinner role, both share the housework role.

        2. I believe there is a third major pattern for family roles.
             -The selfish pattern: Both husband and wife work outside the home but the wife still retains all household responsibilities because the husband is stuck with traditional expectations. This pattern is especially found in Christian homes where the husband believes he is the head and is to be cared for by his wife.

Question: What are some problems associated with this understanding of roles?

         3. The problem
              -No matter which pattern you may find yourself in they are all compounded by our busy  and chaotic lifestyles. Husband and wife are often confused or unclear about their  expected roles. This leads to questions like 'Why do you expect so much of me?' 'How     can I possibly do everything he/she wants.'  And you get discouraged because you can't get to all the things you are expected to do.

             -Your self esteem goes down and you begin to resent your spouse for making you do everything and not understanding your situation. A once peaceful home turns into a  shouting arena. The expectations they have for one another often go unsaid and they  begin to divide and separate them.

    C. Establishing Roles you can live with

Question: What are some positive ways you can establish roles you can live with in marriage?

         A continual process of role evaluation will help adjust to the changes in your marriage. This  requires talking to your spouse about your expectations and determining whether they are  realistic. Set aside specific times with your spouse to talk about your expectations and roles in your relationship. How are they functioning? Discuss immediately any dissatisfaction you may feel about change in roles.

 1. Keep your roles flexible
  -There are no 'male' or 'female' roles. Anyone can take out the trash or do the dishes or take the kids to their game. Men can learn to do the laundry and women can learn to cut  the grass.

 2. Agree on who will fill what role
  -Use common sense when dividing up roles.
  -Divide them up based on time availability of each spouse.
  -Again remember there are no male and female specific roles.

 3. Make sure the roles reach their objective.
  -The goal is to make the home run more smoothly. If it isn't working, change.

 4. Keep the right perspective concerning roles.
  -Roles and fulfilling them never comes before relationship. Keep your perspective. No  position is more important that it
    ought  to take priority over you being a couple. No  expectation is so vital that it should fragment your marriage.
  -Role can help to not only maintain order in the home but bring you closer together and  build unity in your marriage.

Question:

 1. What expectations do you have of your spouse? Write them down.
  -How do they affect your relationship?
  -Have you spoken to your spouse about these expectations?

 2. Name a specific situation which occurred recently where you could have minimized your  stress by keeping your roles
    flexible?